Dear Mary Jane

Dear Mary Jane:

According to my old friend Wayne Newton, Halloween is your favorite holiday. Is this true? It seems a little strange to enjoy such a scary holiday, doesn’t it? While I personally favor Arbor Day (trees are cool), I enjoy learning about the habits and beliefs of others, no matter how strange they might be! So tell me, what is it about this scary season that appeals to you so much?

Fraidy-cat Frankie

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My Dearest Nancy-Boy Nancy,

Are you afraid of things that go bump in the night? Aww, that is SO CUTE! I also like trees, especially when used to burn people at the stake. I’m guessing that you are no stranger to sleeping with a night light? Do you have a teddy bear to protect you from the bad guys while you sleep?  Personally, I have an inverted crucifix nailed to the wall above where I sleep, so I am having a little bit of trouble understanding your problem here.

Have I scared you off yet? I believe the biggest reason for my love of Halloween is because Las Vegas is Halloween 365 days a year.  After all, Las Vegas is the original town for self-reinvention. In this town, you can rep yourself as whoever or whatever you want to, at least for a little while. I mean, I would not stroll in to a local hospital and demand surgical privileges or anything, but with interpersonal relationships, the sky’s the limit.

A big personal goal of mine is to keep myself entertained as often as possible, often at the expense of others. I absolutely adore little children, so I do not torment them when they come to trick or treat. The older kids? The ones who want to soap my windows and leave flaming bags of dog shit on people’s front walks? They are totally fair game. I have sat in my bushes with a hose on more occasions than I can count, hoping against hope for the opportunity to douche some little adolescent peckerhead who thinks he’s going to mess with my holiday joy!  

Granted, I am being a little hypocritical when it comes to Halloween justice. I was famous for filling a squirt gun with lighter fluid and finding jack-o-lanterns with candles burning inside of them. Squirt, squirt, BOOM! I finally quit doing that when the fire really did follow the stream of lighter fluid back to my squirt gun. The best lessons are those which are learned explosively, apparently. I also got in trouble for giving children with paper Halloween sacks scoops of ice cream directly into their bags. Within 20 minutes, the scoop at the bottom of the sack melts the sack and leaves a pile of candy in its wake, ready for an opportunistic Mary Jane to swoop in and get my candy supply for the next month. I was not a particularly nice kid.

Thankfully, I have been told that I make a much better adult than I did a kid, so I have that going for me. Wayne Newton hasn’t been returning my phone calls lately, but we have talked in the past about our favorite Halloween activities. It used to be fun to wander the Strip and look for original Halloween costumes. Anymore, the most popular Halloween costume seems to be Porn Star, followed by Slutty Vampire and even Sluttier Nurse.  I mean, large plastic breasts are all well and good, but I don’t think they should really be the focal point of your Halloween attire. Most men would disagree with me, but with the right set of knockers the average woman could make the average man do whatever she wanted him to do. With ease.

I guess my bottom line is that Halloween allows me to express myself for who I really am: a borderline crazy middle-aged woman who enjoys fucking with people. This Halloween will find me at somewhere like the Planet 13 dispensary. Lots of tourists, lots of things going on, and dear Mary Jane wearing her “Invisible Nightmare” costume, which is made of cellophane and covered with losing scratch offs, lighters that don’t light and pictures of disappointing ex-boyfriends. If you see me, you should probably run like hell!