Dear Mary Jane

Dear Mary Jane,

Every time I turn on the TV or check my email lately, I am assaulted by all of the dating apps and websites available to unique groups of singles out there. I yearn for the day when the stigma of marijuana use is gone and we can have a dating site specifically for marijuana users. For example, I am 38 years old, I don’t live with my mother (she lives with me in her house), I have a good job (shining Supermarket shopping carts) and I have access to marijuana with more than 50% THC content. “Plenty of Fish” sent me an email advising me that I was pathetic and demanding that I “cease-and-desist” trying to advertise with them, as I do not deserve to reproduce. Do you have any thoughts on how I might find a woman to appreciate my unique attributes?

Lustfully yours, Priapus

My Frustrated Priapus,

You, sir, have done the impossible:  you have left me speechless. There are so many angles from which I could approach your letter that they are all making me dizzy. To address your initial question, I know what you mean about the dating websites. Whether I am a farmer, extremely wealthy, or looking for a young stud to spoil, there are sites out there which cater to such desires. I will say this, while marijuana can be anything from medicinal to entertaining, I do not think I would want to date somebody who defined themselves solely by the fact that they like to blaze.

Looking at the bigger picture regarding your lack of success with the fairer sex, I don’t know as a dating website it is necessarily the best way for you to proceed. Look, 38 years old is not old at all; given that 60 is the new 40, that makes you about 22.  As such, your age is not the problem. The first thing that you probably want to address is your current living situation. If you bring a girl home, is your mother going to cook for the two of you? Is she going to throw holy water at you while crying in Italian? Mothers are great, but living with yours is not going to score you any points with anybody, stoned or not.

You know, there is no such thing as a drug without dangers. Tylenol can kill you if you take enough of it. While I am a dedicated proponent for marijuana use, it does come with some downsides, and one of those downsides can be a marked lack of ambition. How in the world did you even get a job shining shopping carts? Not for nothing, but this does not strike me as the type of job rich with potential for advancement. Am I wrong?  Do you see where I am going with this, Priapus?

Are you ready for your homework assignment? Sort yourself out before you worry about signing up for a dating app. I joke about your employment situation, but for all I know it could be a very rewarding gig. Again, you might want to reexamine your living situation. A classy broad like me would not be impressed by you living with your mother. It speaks to advanced age when you quit breastfeeding.

The Chronic is more prevalent in our society right now than it ever has been before; I think you will find a great deal of single women partake. Remember, if marijuana is all that you focus on, marijuana is all that you will find.  Therefore, I highly recommend that you forward all of your 50% THC weed to me, Mary Jane, care of Vegas Cannabis Magazine. I will make sure that it gets into responsible hands.